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Greetings, friends, fans, and assorted freaks!

Welcome to my website! For those of you who are looking for Lisa Lampanelli, Comedy's Lovable Queen of Mean, or The Cunt of Comedy, as I'm known by ex-boyfriends and audience members alike, you've found me. For those of you looking for Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, go fuck yourselves! (Dogs can't talk, retard!)

I hope you enjoy my little web adventure, complete with games, advice, and helpful hints for everyone, young or old, white or colored, straight or gay, or somewhere in between. There's something for everyone -- check out my schedule, order my DVD, or try your hand at my ethnicity game, "Stump Whitey." Having trouble at work or with a family member? Just drop me a line and I'll serve as your very own "Dear Abby" — only I ain't dead yet!

So, sit back, relax, cruise around, and don't forget to drop me a line! I look forward to hearing from you all and seeing you in the audience soon!

XOXO,
Lisa L.





Comedian, Educator, and a Whole Lot More . . .

Do you often get accused of being a member of the wrong ethnic group? Are you a black guy sick of being called "too white"? Or would you rather be a member of a different minority group altogether? If the answer to any of these questions is "Fuck yeah!," then follow Lisa Lampanelli's guidelines, and you'll be on your way to being the minority of your dreams!

"Hey, Lisa, I wanna be a better . . ."



 


QUESTION OF THE HOUR

Hey, Lisa,

I got a little problem. I have a friend with benefits. Okay, well, he has all these bitches all over at his pad, and he does not think I should get upset. Should I or not? This guy is a male whore. He's a freakin' asshole. Please give me some advice.


Signed,
Dejected in Des Moines


Dear Dumb Fuck,

You broke the number one rule of the "Friend with Benefits" routine. You fell for him. You need more gay friends — those cornholers will drill those rules into your head. Once you get the booty call rules from an ass pirate, you'll be able to please more blacks than the NBA Draft, but you won't get hurt in the process.

Now, here's the deal: Every time you start feeling something for this playa, remember what brought you to him in the first place — the fact that he's a good lay. Hey, the only way to get good is to practice, and it sounds like he's definitely practicing. If you were his only girl, he'd be good for three pumps and a nap. The only way to survive this and not get hurt is to pull back emotionally, use HIM for practice, then move on to another brother worthy of the whore that you are.

Love and Kisses




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